Here we are, together again ( together at last!) .
You find me at twenty to five on a Sunday afternoon and once again I am indoors, alone, like I have been all day. It’s not that nice alone feeling where you can watch what you want on TV; or you can walk around your house in your pants
and no one knows. It’s more achingly intense than that.
It’s like the ‘Alone’ has grown inside of you gradually, silently eating your insides until there is nothing left but the absolute ache of complete loneliness. That entire loneliness that is left, is beyond any reason or response. I could be standing in the middle of a crowd of people, or shopping in the busy supermarket yet still that intense hollow feeling is there inside asserting its dominance upon me. So both Physically and mentally, I hide.
From since I can remember I have had bouts of sadness,times where life has seemed too much but, it was that confusing life that eventually pulled me out of these low mindsets. I used to dance, run or swim, finding that the exercise burnt life back in me whilst giving my head a chance to catch up. It worked Visa versa too.
If I was feeling ill, or tired (yawn) or physically overwhelmed , it was the positive voice in my head (Mokey of course)
that drew me out of it, that helped me heal.
But, when one breaks, the other is vulnerable too - Physical and mental, both rely on each other to survive, to motivate each other.
So what are you supposed to do when both break?
Consciously and self-consciously I isolate myself from everyone and everything I have ever liked, loved or enjoyed until I find I want to be out there again; be part of the amazing and overwhelming world that I can hear from behind my walls. I want to be making memories and submerged in all the craziness that is humanity.
To do that, I find the courage to believe in myself and the ability to trust myself again. that's doable, right? 😂😂😂😂